Letting Go

You know that moment right before sleep when you know your drifting but your not quite there;  when your in and out of sleep but pretty much aware of whats around you?  I think that’s what happens when I let go of my stress.  Everyone who knows me knows that I can’t really let go of my stress because I need it to keep me sane, but I think I’ve learned to let my stress boil down to a simmer and leave it on the back burner.

I feel like I  walked into a rather frustrating situation that when I think about it really stresses me out.  As my head started to hurt and I felt like I really wanted to hit something, I had a moment of clarity.  What the hell am I doing?  It’s not my life, it’s not my ass dragging, it’s not my decisions…so what the hell am I stressing over?  Part of loving can be the worry and the stress but that same part of loving can tear the love apart.  So I think it’s time to sit back and watch.  I’m pretty sure we had the future planned out, all of us.  We were wrong. I guess we’ll find out in 16 more months.

I made a decision when I was 23 to not allow myself the luxury of screwing up.  I screwed up a lot back then and damn near ruined my life.  The last 5 years have had their moments of loneliness but for the most part they’ve been okay.  I have a plan, not a specific or clear plan, but I do have one.  I hope its not time to let go, because I’m not ready, but simmering…I can handle that.

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