You know that moment right before sleep when you know your drifting but your not quite there; when your in and out of sleep but pretty much aware of whats around you? I think that’s what happens when I let go of my stress. Everyone who knows me knows that I can’t really let go of my stress because I need it to keep me sane, but I think I’ve learned to let my stress boil down to a simmer and leave it on the back burner.
I feel like I walked into a rather frustrating situation that when I think about it really stresses me out. As my head started to hurt and I felt like I really wanted to hit something, I had a moment of clarity. What the hell am I doing? It’s not my life, it’s not my ass dragging, it’s not my decisions…so what the hell am I stressing over? Part of loving can be the worry and the stress but that same part of loving can tear the love apart. So I think it’s time to sit back and watch. I’m pretty sure we had the future planned out, all of us. We were wrong. I guess we’ll find out in 16 more months.
I made a decision when I was 23 to not allow myself the luxury of screwing up. I screwed up a lot back then and damn near ruined my life. The last 5 years have had their moments of loneliness but for the most part they’ve been okay. I have a plan, not a specific or clear plan, but I do have one. I hope its not time to let go, because I’m not ready, but simmering…I can handle that.